Introduction
Love & Respect is a really great book about marriage. Even if you have read many of them or heard a lot of relationship advice along the years, you will find this work extremely insightful. Dr Emerson Eggerichs, the author, analyses couple relationships with accuracy and more importantly, he uncovers an essential and fundamental principle that is the basis of a happy marriage.
What is this principle?
To sum it up: Love alone is not enough, which, of course, you already know!
However, what you might not realize is that:
A wife needs love from her husband and a husband needs respect from his wife.
Why Wife and Husband Argue?
Dr Eggerichs convincingly explains the very different core needs of men and women.
He emphasizes that respect is vital for a husband! This insight can be eye-opening if you find yourself frequently arguing with your husband over seemingly trivial matters. Deep down, you know the argument isn’t really about leaving the curtains open at night or not turning off the lights in an empty room. There’s something deeper at play, but you can’t put your finger on it!
If you and your husband argue a lot about minor issues, you must often be thinking that it is very childish of him to get so angry about such small things and you are perhaps even rolling your eyes!
But what is at stake for him is much more profound and essential. The argument that seems so insignificant to you is touching the core of his being and that’s what this book will help you understand.
Submission
There have been numerous debates about the Christian expectation for a wife to submit to her husband, as derived from Ephesians’s biblical verse. Dr. Eggerichs addresses this topic, acknowledging that many Christian women strive to adhere to it but remain unconvinced. He also notes the strong opposition from feminists who find this notion outrageous.
Many of us will agree that discussing submission can be frustrating, as men and women are both human beings, and no one should hold dominance over the other.
However, Dr. Emerson presents his perspective by replacing the term ‘submission’ with ‘respect.’ And he admits that wives also need respect and should be respected by their husband. But for him, a woman’s core need is centred around love. Whereas a man’s core need is centred around respect, hence the subtitle of his book: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.
Listening to him, you will understand that the word “desperately” is not an exaggeration but accurately describes how men perceive respect. The author’s explanations will lift the veil from your eyes, and you will see clearly what is causing so much hurt in your marriage!
You will think about the way your husband will get angry during an argument about something trivial, like the name of an actress. He might insist it’s “Clarisse Brown,” while you say it’s “Nathalie Chang,” and the more you argue, the more upset he becomes. In your mind, you are like, “Who cares?”
But after reading “Love & respect”, you will understand that it is not about the actress’s name, that it is about him feeling that you don’t trust his judgment or value his intelligence.
It is about him feeling that you are holding him in contempt!
Contempt. Are You Guilty Of This?
Google AI will explain better to you what “contempt” is:
An example of contempt in a relationship would be when one partner consistently belittles their partner’s opinions by rolling their eyes, using sarcastic remarks, or dismissing their concerns with phrases like “you’re being dramatic” or “that’s so silly,” essentially conveying a sense of superiority and lack of respect for their partner’s feelings and thoughts.
Other examples of contempt in a relationship could include:
- Name-calling or using insults: Calling your partner degrading names during an argument.
- Public humiliation: Making mocking comments about your partner in front of others.
- Ignoring or stonewalling: Deliberately refusing to engage in conversation or listen to your partner’s concerns.
- Body language cues: Eye-rolling, sneering, sighing heavily, or turning away when your partner is speaking.
- “Fixing” your partner: Constantly criticizing or trying to change your partner’s behaviour in a condescending manner.
- Dismissive language: Saying things like “you always do this” or “you never listen” to undermine your partner’s perspective.
Important point: Contempt is considered one of the most damaging behaviours in a relationship as it communicates a lack of value and respect for your partner, often leading to further conflict and relationship breakdown.’
Thank you, AI, for this definition!
Dismissive Language, Ring A Bell?
Do you often use dismissive language like “you always do this”? If so, you’re not alone! Many wives find themselves in this situation. You might wonder why such seemingly trivial arguments, like the name of an actress, cause so much fuss. You might think, “I’m sure of my Hollywood knowledge!” without realizing that these arguments, whether about Nathalie Chang or Jessica Brown, are actually shaking the foundation of your relationship.
So, a quick piece of advice: avoid contesting actor names with your husband! To you, it might be an innocent argument, but to him, it’s a cataclysmic event that deeply affects him!
Oh, I am already forgetting what I have learned: No sarcasm allowed!
Dr. Eggerichs’s book, “Love & Respect,” will clarify many things for you. You’ll gain a better understanding of men’s psychology. Whether these traits are ingrained in their DNA or shaped by society, it’s something we all must deal with, and Dr. Eggerichs provides a trusted and effective way to do so.
The 3 cycles
Dr. Eggerichs’ book is structured around three key cycles that illustrate the different stages a couple experiences:
Stage 1: The Crazy Cycle
This stage occurs when:
- The wife feels unloved and reacts without respect.
- The husband feels disrespected and reacts unlovingly.
Stage 2: The Energizing Cycle
This stage happens when:
- The partners energize each other with love and respect.
- The wife shows respect unconditionally.
- The husband shows love unconditionally.
Stage 3: The Rewarding Cycle
This stage is reached when:
- The energized couple enjoys the rewards of a godly marriage.
Dr. Eggerichs emphasizes that even if you are a Christian couple, a pastor and his wife, or have been married for over 30 years, you will occasionally revert to Stage 1, the Crazy Cycle, because it is human nature. But thankfully, you will find your way back to Stage 2, the Energizing Cycle, more quickly and more often.
This honesty is so refreshing from someone who dedicates their life to counselling couples.
Stage 3 delves into religion and spirituality. The whole book is referencing the Bible constantly, and this final part preaches about the reward you will get from living your marriage as prescribed by the Bible Scriptures.
Even if you are not a Christian however, reading this part can be enriching as it offers an interesting reflection on the satisfaction of living your life, regardless of your circumstances, upholding the greater good.
Communication In Marriage
According to Dr. Eggerichs, husbands and wives communicate in different codes, which often leads to misunderstandings.
Here, Dr. Eggerichs gives a fun example of a forgetful husband filled with pride for remembering an important date for once in his life. He gives his wife a birthday card for their 10th anniversary!
To him, it is an honest mistake, but to her, it means he just doesn’t care about the anniversary. The important evening is ruined, but instead of apologizing, the husband becomes defensive, while the wife feels unloved.
Dr. Eggerichs then explains that wives view the world through pink sunglasses and hear through pink hearing aids, while husbands see through blue sunglasses and hear through blue hearing aids. This means that even when looking at the same situation, they perceive it differently!
His marriage communication tips make a lot of sense:
When a wife complains, criticizes, or cries, it’s her way of saying, “I want your love.” In the same vein, when a husband speaks harshly or not at all, it’s his way of saying, “I want your respect.”
Dr. Eggerichs nails this concept, and if you reflect on your own relationship, you’ll likely find it to be so true!
Does My Husband Deserve Respect Though?
Dr. Eggerichs acknowledges that many women might feel their husbands don’t deserve respect and believe that respect must be earned. He counters this by stating that respect for the husband, like love for the wife, should be unconditional.
While both girls and boys need respect and love, Dr. Eggerichs emphasizes that boys primarily need respect, and girls primarily need love.
Interestingly, you will hear something you perhaps didn’t know at that point: Aretha Franklin’s song “Respect” was originally written by Otis Redding from a man’s perspective.
Dr. Eggerichs argues that respect profoundly impacts a man’s soul and is his deepest value. While men need love, they need respect even more. He explains that wives often mistakenly believe they can change their husbands through criticism, but this only makes husbands feel belittled, like children being scolded.
However, Dr. Eggerichs doesn’t place all the responsibility on wives. He notes that when a wife feels unloved, she may not realize she’s being disrespectful, just as a husband who feels disrespected may not see that he’s being unloving.
The best way to motivate someone, especially during conflict, is to meet their deepest need. For wives, respect motivates their husband’s love, and for husbands, love motivates their wife’s respect.
This concept seems quite accurate, doesn’t it?
Advice To Wives
Here are some recommendations from the book that you should consider:
- Don’t assume your husband is the source of all your problems.
- Acknowledge that you also have flaws and weaknesses in areas where he has strengths, and that your judgment isn’t perfect in every situation.
Conclusion
While these notes focus on the wives’ perspective, Dr. Eggerichs’ book “Love & Respect” offers much more valuable advice. He dedicates six full chapters to guiding husbands on how to love their wives, but it’s impossible to summarize everything here.
The author’s use of his own marriage as an example of the inevitable struggles in a relationship, even in a Christian Pastor’s home, makes his work very relatable.
He is candid about his advice not being a quick fix but an ongoing effort that requires daily work. His honesty is inspiring.
I recommend the audio version of the book, narrated by the author himself. He is an excellent storyteller and often chuckles when recalling anecdotes. Have you ever heard a narrator laugh while sharing their stories? It’s very engaging.
So, is Love & Respect the only book that will change your marriage for good? All I will say is: If your relationship is important to you and you want to be happy in it, this essential book will tremendously help you improve spouse interactions and understand the deeper meaning of it all.
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